written by Isabel Schley

When Your Relationship Is Struggling, How Are You Coping?

When your relationship is struggling, the relationship itself is rarely the only part of your life that feels it.

You still have to go to work, see your friends, buy groceries, answer emails, and take care of yourself. Meanwhile, part of your brain might be overanalyzing conversations or building narratives that become really overwhelming. 

Working through relationship problems takes time. Even when both people want to figure things out, the process can be emotionally exhausting.

During that time, you still have needs and are probably craving some extra support. So, how are you coping?

We All Need Somewhere to Put It

Sometimes "coping" gets put into a negative box associated with bad habits. We think of alcohol, smoking, scrolling for hours, using sex or porn as a distraction, seeking attention outside of a relationship, or finding another quick escape from what we are feeling.

Simply put, coping is the conscious and unconscious strategies we use to manage stress, difficult emotions, and hard situations. Like anything, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do it.

However, there is no need to immediately sort all of your behaviors into one box or the other. The more useful question is whether the way you are coping is actually helping you.

If something consistently leaves you feeling more disconnected, anxious, or secretive, get curious about why you are reaching for it. Instead of immediately asking, "How do I stop doing this?" try asking, "What am I looking for from this?"

You might be craving comfort, wanting to feel desired, or simply looking for a moment of relief. Once you understand the need underneath the behavior, you have more opportunities to find healthy ways of meeting it.

How Do You Know When a Habit Is Coping?

Just because you crave a glass of wine at the end of a long day does not automatically mean the habit is unhealthy. A glass of wine can simply be a glass of wine. Sex can simply be pleasure. Just like going for a run can simply be something you enjoy.

Context matters.

When you are feeling stressed, anxious, sad, or triggered, start noticing what you reach for. You might discover a pattern worth paying attention to.

When your partner hurts you, do you find yourself wanting to flirt with strangers a little more? When a fight enters 2am territory and your face is in your hands, is that when you start craving nicotine? Does the single glass of wine become two or three?

This does not mean you need to analyze every single action. The goal is awareness, not judgment. Never, ever judgment. 

Every human reaches for something when experiencing discomfort. The goal here is to recognize what that is. And learn to reach for something that will help meet your needs rather than create another problem. 

When Coping Gets Complicated

Some coping mechanisms carry more weight than others. Infidelity, sex, and porn can quickly become big, scary topics because they often involve trust, boundaries, shame, moral values, and deeply held beliefs about relationships.

Infidelity, for example, can cause really deep pain in relationships. Understanding it as a coping mechanism does not excuse the behavior, but it can help us understand what led to it. Someone might seek attention outside of their relationship because they feel lonely, rejected, undesirable, angry, or disconnected. Getting curious about what they were seeking does not erase the harm, but it can offer useful information about what was happening internally and offer a path to healing. 

Porn can be worth approaching with the same curiosity. Watching porn does not automatically mean something is wrong or missing from your relationship. You might watch because you are curious, turned on, exploring a fantasy, or simply enjoy it. At other times, you might notice yourself reaching for porn more frequently when you feel lonely, sexually disconnected, stressed, or rejected. The behavior itself isn't wrong and doesn't tell you the whole story. Paying attention to when you reach for it and what you are seeking can help you better understand the role it plays in your life.

Questions about monogamy and non-monogamy can benefit from this kind of curiosity. Neither relationship structure is inherently better than the other, and changing your relationship structure will not automatically resolve unmet needs. If you find yourself craving something outside of your relationship, start by asking what you are actually looking for. Understanding the desire can help you have a much more honest conversation about what comes next.

The intention in asking yourself these questions isn’t to judge the answer. It’s to better understand yourself and take a look into what you are needing. 

What would it look like to have these conversations with your partner? If it feels safe to do, you might learn a lot about each other and feel understood in your experience. 

Find Your Outlets

When your relationship is struggling and some of your needs are not being met, where can you take those emotions and find additional support?

If you have a hard time answering that question, that is very normal. Think about the activities that help you feel calm and connected to your life. What did you love doing as a kid, before every hobby needed to become productive, profitable, or impressive?

From there, consider the different kinds of outlets available to you.

Physical outlets give stress somewhere to move. Walking, running, dancing, lifting weights, hiking, swimming, stretching, or riding your bike can be especially helpful when stress feels restless or physically charged.

Mental outlets give your thoughts somewhere to go. Journaling, reading, therapy, talking to a friend, or spending some intentional time alone can help you sort through what you are feeling before trying to communicate it to someone else.

Creative outlets give emotion another language. Music, cooking, painting, gardening, writing, woodworking, and other creative practices can give complicated feelings somewhere to exist without requiring you to explain them perfectly.

Social outlets remind you that one relationship is not your entire world. When your romantic relationship is struggling, it can easily consume your attention. Spending time with friends, family, and community reconnects you with the other forms of love and belonging in your life.

Spiritual outlets can offer perspective. Prayer, meditation, time in nature, gratitude, or another spiritual practice can create enough quiet to reconnect with yourself and something larger than the problem immediately in front of you.

You probably need more than one outlet. A long walk might help one day, while dinner with your best friend is exactly what you need the next. The goal is to build enough ways to care for yourself that you have somewhere healthy to turn when life becomes difficult.

Good Coping is Impactful

Relationships will have difficult seasons, and sometimes those seasons last longer than we would like. Having healthy ways to cope does not make those problems disappear, but it gives you a fuller life to lean on while you work through them.

Your partner does not have to be your only source of comfort, connection, joy, release, or belonging. You can find support in your friendships, move stress through your body, disappear into something creative for an afternoon, spend time outside, or simply give yourself enough space to hear what you are actually feeling.

These outlets do more than distract you from a difficult moment. They remind you that you are still a whole person when one part of your life feels uncertain. The stronger your relationship with yourself becomes, the easier it is to recognize what you need, where you can find support, and what eventually needs to be brought back to your partner.

A healthy relationship needs two people who know how to care for themselves as well as each other. Learning how you cope is part of that care.